Who hasn’t felt at the start of college, that urge to appear outgoing, fun, and clever?  A deep, instinctive desire to impress which can dominate, and often ruin, this exciting part of our new student life. While not necessarily trying to reinvent ourselves, we can sometimes chase an idealised version of who we ‘ought to be’, informed by social comparison and a fear of others disliking us as we are – with all our flaws. Craving excellence can be innate, particularly for high-achieving ‘Trinners’. Yet, the line between the pursuit of good, excellence and ‘perfection’ can become dangerous when we fail to recognise that the latter is impossible to achieve. So, in a world that applauds and often demands perfection, why is it so wrong to be a perfectionist?

Perfectionism on a Pedestal

Traditionally, society has admired perfectionism. A ‘humble brag’ when trying to market yourself to others, this narrative is only reinforced by academia. Research has historically centred around perfectionism’s relationship to achievement, levels of aspiration and Type A behaviour. Even today, despite the recent work of academics and the surge in articles covering its debilitating effects, perfectionism struggles to escape from the admiration that surrounds it. 

We can also be guilty of internalising this view. When we think of perfectionists, our minds will immediately conjure up distinguished visionaries. Steve Jobs for example, the big cheese (or rather, apple), father of all your wonderous iDevices. Described as neurotic and often bullying by those who knew him, Jobs was unable to handle anything less than perfect. Similarly, Stanley Kubrick was known to have a typist repeatedly tapping out “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” to ensure with complete certainty that the sound recording matched the letter. And Michelangelo famously took a sledgehammer to his Florentine Pieta, angered by the flaws in the marble. Almost a decade of work defaced due to a disgust at imperfection. But then again, isn’t he one of the greatest artists of all time? And don’t we hail The Shining as a cinematic masterpiece?

The Facts

Dubbed a “hidden epidemic” by LSE Psychology Professor, Dr. Thomas Curran, perfectionism is fundamentally maladaptive. “There’s nothing wrong with high standards…” he said in an online lecture at the University of York, “[but] perfectionism comes from a much darker place; it comes from a need to repair something that we believe is defective about ourselves.”

Drs. Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett, in their 1991 paper Perfectionism in the self and social contexts, argued that perfectionism has three dimensions: self-oriented perfectionism, other-oriented perfectionism and socially prescribed perfectionism (SPP). While the first two dimensions involve personal standards that can be proactively altered, SPP presents a different challenge. As the individual feels immense pressure to meet standards they perceive are being imposed on them by others, SPP is proven to have the strongest correlations with mental health conditions such as anorexia, social anxiety disorder and depressive thoughts. This social component is often not touched upon, and – like the celebrated examples mentioned above – we frequently see perfectionism as inwardly-driven, and not influenced by external pressures. 

Controlling what other people think – as much as we try to convince others that nobody actually says ‘Trinners for winners’ – is impossible. You are setting yourself up for failure, which perfectionists take particularly hard. Marianne Etherson, a PhD perfectionism and mental health researcher who has worked on papers with Curran, Hewitt and Flett, explained to me this cycle of guilt and shame perfectionists create: “you feel that you can never meet the expectations of other people and your self-worth is contingent on that…you’ll never be happy and never enjoy success because you’re constantly striving for more.”

Flett, who is currently a Psychology Professor at York University in Canada, also conveyed to me how SPP can be obsessive and often unmanageable. It is not a question of ‘I would like to be perfect’ but rather ‘I have to be perfect because others are expecting me to be perfect’. This can lead to ‘avoidance behaviour’ such as procrastination, due to a paralysing fear of the results not being perfect. And if this doesn’t traumatically bring you back to your (way too frequent) essay all-nighters, SPP’s link to a lack of resilience and adaptability makes the dreaded feeling of falling behind on deadlines, revision and life in general a familiar pattern. Flett explained that affected people often think ‘I’ll just have to hold on and hope that things will get better’, resulting in self-sabotage. 

Modern-day Origins and the Current Perfectionism Surge

The view that people, as well as society, are excessively demanding, is arguably the product of a range of modern trends which thrive at university in particular. Etherson pointed to issues like “the increasing competitiveness of society and social media” which leads to greater comparison, a society where perfection is demanded and where reward is equated with work. 

Perfectionism’s mark on the young is clear from Curran’s 2018 research in which he identified a 33% increase from 1989 in university students across the UK, USA and Canada who feel they must display perfection to secure approval. He predicts that by 2050, 1 in 3 young people are projected to report levels of SPP which are clinically concerning. Pressure from family members to succeed also shifts SPP from simply a perception to a very real reality for some. Recall the subtle remarks from your parents during your Leaving Cert where they encourage you to think about the end goal (Trinity!), when all your hard work pays off, and then they tell you to work harder. 

Yet, even once you reach this perceived academic utopia, the meritocratic and ‘competitive individualism’ ethos that is promoted here can actually inflame the perfectionistic predilection. Even before applying, Flett identified that Trinity’s 1/3 acceptance rate “right from the get-go creates a competition and social comparison” for people who are “already prone to self-doubt”. Dr. John O’Connor, a Professor of Psychology at Trinity College Dublin, agreed, explaining to me that institutions like Trinity are a “magnet” for perfectionists: “attract[ing] people from around the world because they appear in league tables and they have got names to them, and people develop fantasies round these places.” As a result, he said: “there is some kind of implicit sense within universities that there is excellence.” 

University is a huge transition, with the impact this can have on students’ well-being often lost behind the excitement of entering into ‘the best years of your life’. But as Etherson described: “you’re going into a new environment where no one knows you, you almost have to prove yourself and it’s a much bigger playing field.” The academic leap – as we all know – can also be extremely disheartening. “You may have been a top achiever in secondary school, but you may be nowhere near the top at university” and as a result of this pressure, Etherson concluded that “students are more likely to be prone to failure in first year…and you don’t have the social support that you used to have.”

“Neurosis of Comparison”: Social Media and the Fatal Health Costs

Developing this “social support” in first year, especially if you are striving to be a perfect reflection of what you think others deem as socially desirable, is difficult. When faced with the pressure to live in a state of perpetual joy, the self-destructive tendency to partake in what O’Connor describes as an “almost neurosis of comparison” can emerge in full-force. Social media is its chief facilitator, and while it is not inherently a “bad thing” as Etherson explained, “it is how people use it, and perfectionists use it in a very negative way.” 

To some extent, we are all culpable of normalising the way social media celebrates curation, often only exhibiting a perfect “highlight reel” of our lives, as Flett termed it. He encapsulated the detrimental knock-on effect this can have: “other students see this and think ‘well my life isn’t perfect, that person has a perfect life, what’s wrong with me?’ And they develop a sense of shame about it”.” The negative self-evaluation that accompanies shame – an almost social taboo – can also fuel feelings of loneliness. In more serious cases, Flett stated that some may deal with this by turning to “drink or self-harming tendencies to compulsively studying to release some of this stress and pressure”. 

This habitual catastrophizing can be crushing, and is accompanied by alarming physical risks. As O’Connor described it, striving for perfection: “leaves a toll on the body in a wider way and the body’s often left behind when the mind goes off on an intellectual kind of thing…this general state of angst can lead people to become more physically ill”.” Flett similarly underlined the huge “physical costs due to the stress that the body is under”, warning that “the health costs of perfectionism has even been related to early mortality. So, I say literally, perfectionism can kill you.”

It’s a Problem

Surely, this alone is enough to demonstrate that perfectionism is far from ‘healthy’. But what can perfectionists do to avoid this slow death of paralytic over-striving and overthinking? The chief steps all three academics recognised are small and manageable and may go a long way to breaking the vicious perfectionistic cycle. First is simply “recognising the problematic aspect of perfectionism, and that there is another way: that there is ‘good enough’” as O’Connor put it. He added that unhealthy comparison is your enemy, and we must approach social media with a “level of cynicism and scepticism”. Being authentic and open about your struggles is also key. We need to “get beyond social media” Flett argued, “and try to find some form where you can actually relate to people and there’s an honesty level – or create one.” He also implored students to not “see mindfulness as an excuse for people who are weak” and that “self-care is critical for perfectionists.”

Referring to a 2019 Union of Students in Ireland National Report on Student Mental Health, Flett quoted a student who identified a persistent obstacle among students seeking to attain a level of openness. She said: “this country is fantastic for telling others how they are feeling grand, never anything vulnerable and not often something real.” Yet, realising you are not alone can cut through those feelings of isolation and misplaced shame. We can all do our part to assist in this by simply showing compassion to others, and to ourselves. It is often too easy to criticise rather than forgive our mistakes, but as Flett so aptly argued: “it’s not easy being a person.” 

A Smattering of Mattering 

A related area which has been proven to improve the well-being of students, and a huge potential solution to issues arising from perfectionism is the feeling of mattering. This relatively unknown field of psychology simply encompasses “feeling important and valued by others.” At university in particular, where it is not hard to feel like a number, a 2023 paper concluded that mattering was a tested protective factor against depressive symptoms among first-year students and students who are high in SPP. Unsurprisingly, humans need to feel like they matter in order to thrive, and while perfection cannot be attained, feeling like you matter can.

Mattering is a field Flett has been focusing on for 10 years. He asserted that “it doesn’t take a lot” for universities to facilitate and promote mattering. Yet, the lived experience of students, where lecturers still don’t know your name by the end of your degree, accentuates the lack of progress colleges have made in this area. Even these small gestures can make a difference, with Flett maintaining that recognising a person’s individuality is key to cultivating a feeling of connection between the student and the college: “to really listen to that person, to hear them and to see them rather than think about collectively as ‘students’”.

Mattering is therefore not just about “having value” but also, “giving value to others”, with this reciprocal interchange another way for students to deal with demoralisation and burnout. “Whether it’s volunteering at a homeless shelter, counselling or becoming a student ambassador”, Flett held that having “a sense of worth that is not all achievement based” is crucial. As he asserted, a fundamental point that is often forgotten when it comes to perfectionism is that “you don’t have to be perfect to be a good person. Being perfectly good to others is ok too.”

To put it Simply

Chasing perfection is impossible, and the need for unconditional acceptance of this, and moreover, of yourself, comes against the backdrop of rising mental health issues among students. Unrealistic self-imposed standards – perceived or otherwise – can be incredibly damaging, especially when failure is not embraced with the resilience and adaptability needed in life. And in the hectic buzz of college, with a plethora of pressures, self-care and self-compassion become paramount. Being kind to yourself, as well as others, will not only afford you breathing space to grow during such a formative time, but it will also enhance your feeling of mattering. And isn’t feeling like you matter the most intuitive thing out there? When stuck in a mental rut, sometimes it simply takes a few words to remind ourselves of what is – and what isn’t – worth worrying about, leading me to end with Flett’s parting words: “Keep well and do your best, excellence is good enough!”