Enter campus at 9am and listen closely. Shuffling feet, Lavazza machine running out of cups at an alarming rate, American accented echoes. Listen closer. There’ll be shouting, perhaps hollering, possibly even roaring. Every morning, as you half-heartedly attend your lecture, there are people playing in what I believe to be the greatest thing on campus. 

Botany Bay is the only place on campus, probably this island, perhaps the world, where you can watch a philosophy student from County Meath get manhandled by a Theoretical Physics student, witness an engineer exhausted (not due to academics) and be impressed by a BESS student (not due to academics). Every week 56 teams, nearly 600 players, hash it out on the hallowed, slippy grounds behind the GMB. To put the numbers in perspective, that’s twice as big as one year of BESS, six times as big as one year of Law, and 50 times the attendance at a Hist debate.  

The matches run from 9am-12pm, then 1pm-5pm every day, and only one pitch is used. There is rarely a gap in play – and every match is hotly contested. Some of the teams take it very seriously, others less so. There are divisions for all levels and all commitments, but to make it at the top takes a grit and determination to miss lectures, graze knees, and try just that little bit too hard. 

I spoke to one team which made waves both on, and off the field last year. I had the displeasure of playing against this team myself and can attest that their powers – expanded, the angles of their passes – calculated, and overall their ability – proven. The Mathletes won last year’s “Europa League”, the second tier trophy for Trinity five-a-side (that’s like getting 613 for all the nerds) and were active on social media throughout the campaign (@mathletesFC). 

To give an insight into the incredible heights some of the players go to, I asked the mathletes what a match day looks like at the top. “If it’s an early kick off or if it’s a late kick off the day starts off with Murdy buying a 4 pack of Carly at 11am from Tesco with John’s ID. A pre-match booj is a must and generally occurs an hour before kick off regardless of what’s on our timetable.” Some may question how effective this is in promoting footballing excellence. 

However, the accolades speak for themselves, when it works – it works. They reflected on a glorious season, speaking fondly of one particular occasion. “A team (mathletes kindly omitted the name) made us play an extra 20 minutes because we started the game late and they ended up losing by about 20 goals. We’re not English students (thankfully) but we’d call that poetic justice.”

When we moved on to discussing the upcoming season, it became evident that this was a team that hadn’t dropped the ball in the downtime – however, they were keen to shroud their intense training regime: “Been to the Pav a couple of times, probably four times? I’d say we are well prepped.” 

I am informed that the Pav is not code for running, conditioning or training of any sort – I remain sceptical. Although the Mathletes remain cool about their own approach to the beautiful game, they enthusiastically encourage participation in the league. They included a message directly to anyone on the edge of making a team “Make it. There’s nothing like it. The organisation is top tier. Guaranteed to be the highlight of your week. Finally, if you don’t you’ll be missing out on the epic highs and lows of five-a-side football.” 

Inspiring, original words from your current Europa League champions. 

Some societies enter teams, VDP in particular being known for their spirited attendance in Botany Bay. Their brand of light-hearted, contractual fun extends to their five-a-side team. VDP has even printed out jerseys. I spoke to their (perhaps self-selected) captain to pick his brains about the inside scoop on VDP five-a-side. Mark Mcgrane (“Make sure you put .sch in there, Comer”) said: “It was a great way for our members to get together and has also been key in bringing in new volunteers to the society.” No love is lost between some teams, Mark going on to add: “An unbeaten record against the limp-wristed, pallid Victorian boys in GMBallers was also a treat.” The GMBallers being the team representing the footballing talents of Trinity’s debating contingent – as successful as you can imagine.

A big difficulty that comes with captaincy is administering substitutes. When 15 people show up to play an hour long game of five-a-side, democracy comes at the cost of quality. However, Mark emphasised that it is important to get fresh legs on the field as much as possible, stating: “Sometimes its like trying to organise fucking Dunkirk anytime you’ve got a subs bench of more than three, but its worth the headache.” 

One person deserves the credit and glory for the organisation of the competition: Michael Cooke. A fourth year engineering student, he took the initiative to reach out to Trinity Sport in his second year and volunteered to help organise. Michael sorted all the fixtures, rescheduling, he runs their Instagram account, writes the theme tune, plays the theme tune and sings the theme tune. He even partakes in the competition himself, with the Pretengineers. 

Michael noticed a distinct lack of five-a-side when things began to open up post-COVID, and has worked with Trinity Sport ever since. In its first term, there were around 25 teams involved. Now there are more than double that. A real unsung hero, Michael’s work over the past years has meant that hundreds of students have gotten together and enjoyed themselves. He said Trinity Sport has provided him with support throughout the years and mentioned that they were enthusiastic in getting the competition off the ground, but he also stressed that it is difficult to organise by yourself. 

I asked Michael what the best thing about organising the competition was, and how he kept going each week doing all the background work that often went unappreciated. His response really put a smile on my face. “Knowing that basically every hour, every weekday, there are people on Botany Bay playing football enjoying themselves gives me a real lift.” Anyone who enjoys the league has Michael to thank, and he encouraged everyone to get involved, saying that entering the competition is a “no brainer”, and that there is room for all levels with a real sense of community between those who play. 

The competition has grown each semester, and shows no sign of stopping. Registration will take place on the 18th of September, so if you’re thinking about entering a team – gather the troops now. A Misc. exclusive reveals that the goals have been replaced for the upcoming season, prompting wide exaltation from all those involved in previous terms. All information about the upcoming registration process will be advertised on their instagram @TCD_fiveaside. 

Here’s the thing. We are more than guilty of playing dress up at this college. Throw on your tuxedo or ball gown, attend some fancy hotel and pretend to relax all evening. There’s an undeniable delight in attending these all too formal events. Some of my most enjoyable evenings in Trinity have been attending some random ball; and acting like someone dressed like a diplomat shouldn’t. I thoroughly love these evenings, but they’re often a bit much. The posing, pontificating and pretending to be fully at ease in black tie can be tiring. 

Five-a-side is the complete opposite of this;  the unseen shiny side of this coin.  At fancy events we scam our way out of formality; five-a-side revels in stupidity. Any intensity brought to this league simply increases the ridiculousness. It’s like a schoolyard again, except you’re now playing against a PhD student. It’s relaxing, a literal breath of fresh air – indulge. Take it as seriously as you want, it only makes it sillier. A complete inversion of the usual social contract in this college. Instead of acting the maggot in a tuxedo; take yourself seriously having a kick about. 

This competition makes a lot of people very happy. It brings people together. An easy reprise from academia, an escape from pretence, some quality exercise. Bar none, above all, Trinity five-a-side is the greatest thing on campus. 

Misc. would like to acknowledge the passing of Jack O’Grady, a much loved member of the five a-side community in Trinity and the college community at large. He will be dearly missed.