On a dull, grey, Monday in the depths of September and from deep within the Lecky, I opened my phone, clicked on the App Store, turned my brightness all the way down, and typed in that shameful, five-letter word that rhymes with cringe, fringe, binge, and somehow embodies all three: Hinge. My fingers shook from caffeine and a dull pang of excitement that comes with the anticipation of receiving meaningless, like-based validation. Outside the windows of the library, students shivered in the cold and a seagull splattered the outcome of its latest pillaged Boojum onto the lid of a bin. The bin was black. The shit was white. The converging colours of the Hinge logo. I took it as a sign. Talk about pathetic fallacy.

My stint on Hinge has become something of an anthropological study. After two weeks of fielding questions about my ethnicity and puking at being called “trouble”, I have lumped the men’s profiles that I encountered, and never wish to actually encounter, under five different categories because, well, if they’re going to stereotype us, I think it’s only fair that we do the same to them. And they just made it too damn easy. 

1. The Boomeranger: 

He just keeps on coming back. You’ve said no 1,000 times but somehow he is still in your DMs asking for your Instagram. You have to admire the resilience but insist he puts it to something else.

1. The ‘Provider’:

He’s just looking for someone ‘to spoil’. The requirement is that you have a cute smile. Sense of humour is only needed for laughing at his jokes. Bonus if you are under 5 feet and a blonde with blue eyes. He wants to feed you (exclusively from the children’s menu) and drive you around in his car. When you express a political thought he’ll find it endearing. He’ll call you a ‘real woman’ for not working and if you do have a job he’ll expect you to quit it because you no longer need one provided you bear his children and shoulder all of the emotional caregiving. 

1. The ‘Complimenter’:

He’ll ask you what your ethnicity is three separate times and will call your beauty ‘exotic’. You’re from Navan but that doesn’t matter. He hopes you’re slightly autistic. He called you a ‘Hobbit’ for being 5 ’5. He claims to be 6 ’10 and you consider the words ‘beanpole, bigfoot, and BFG’ , but you decide not to go there. 

1. The Longtimer: 

They’ve been on Hinge for 3 years and are still ‘figuring out their dating goals’. They’re available only at night, and emotionally, never. All of them are also ridiculously attractive. The correlation between attractiveness and emotional unavailability needs to be studied. Or maybe you do for only being attracted to this type. You secretly believe you can change him. Their love language is…..physical touch!!!

1. The Manipulator:

He loves ‘white girl music’ and yapping. He is probably doing an internship at one of the Big Three. He orgasms to the smell of fake tan. The biggest risk he’s ever taken was ‘downloading this app’. He tells you that you threaten to ‘ruin his life’ but, be warned, in fact, it is the other way around. 

If your profile fits into any of these categories I just want you to know that I hope you feel seen (by me, probably, at some point over the course of my research). And if you’re considering downloading the platform I hope this article has not dissuaded you. If anything, I believe, it should persuade you. Going on a date with any of these men, though perhaps just slightly endurable, would certainly provide a good story. Maybe even an article. It’s all for research purposes only.