In some of the most remote corners of the world, there are people who are preparing for the very worst. When AI shuts down the grid, or climate disaster collapses existing social order, it is the preppers, above all others, who will be ready.  

While I’m not sure if a doomsday event does occur I will really want to be alive for the aftermath, there is still some logic in being prepared. But I’m a procrastinator and the purchase of my spearfishing-shotgun-bear-whacking-club is still pending on Amazon (CIA have taken a sizeable interest) so in the meantime I think you, dear Fresher, are better off preparing for Freshers week and the mayhem of Freshers fair than the end of the world. After all, this will be good practice. So, here’s how to prepare for something that is much more impending and can seem equally daunting: Fresher’s week – a prepper’s guide. We’ve all been there, and trust me, I wish someone had told me….

A reasonably sized Tote or Crossbody Bag – Ditch the backpack. The concept of “doing homework” has been replaced by the concept of “going for a sweet treat”. Your bag needs to be just big enough to carry all the free pens you will amass, but small enough to still look as though you are not actually carrying anything. 

Twine – This is essential for tying to the buddy you may or may not have brought with you – your friend, your mum, your comfort pet – so that neither of you get lost. Being separated can be super scary and if your pal strays too far just give them a yank, and they’ll bounce right back. 

A Bow & Arrow/ Whistle – As the littlest fish in the pond, you need some form of defence. The seagulls have been preparing themselves all summer for this event. They’re craving fresh meat. When they inevitably attempt a dive bomb, blow on your whistle three times to summon Linda Doyle’s protection. Or, if you’re feeling brazen, – HIYAH ! – the archery club (I think we have an archery club?)  may even recruit you or Trinity States & Facilities for their newly established department – department of war, I mean, defence. 

A Pocket Dictionary – You need to know what the acronym TCDSU/AMLCT stands for. Just kidding! You never need to know what it stands for. Still, when push comes to shove and it’s every student for themself in the brawl for the SU-sponsored free pizza, you can wedge the slices between the pages of the dictionary and Trojan horse your way to safety.

 A Map – of all the nearest exit routes in case you get cornered by an SMF representative asking you to join The Student Managed Fund. (What is this fund and why does it need to be managed? What are shares? And equity? And “exchange traded fund instruments”??!) All I know is I’m too young to wear a quarter zip. Front Square gates will be your best bet. The *secret* wine cellar below the GMB may be your second. 

A Fire Extinguisher – You can fit this in your reasonably sized tote/crossbody. If a member of Circus Soc offers you a flame thrower to try out, you can be prepared if things get too *lit. 

A First Aid Kit – in case your bow and arrow misfires. Offer a potential new friend one of your pocket hand sanitizers, or a gauze strip. 

A Tent – Get barricade at the stalls and snag some Lemon crepes while they’re still hot by camping beneath the Campanile overnight. The pages of your pocket dictionary will make excellent kindling. And you have your extinguisher to hand if States & Facilities catch wind.

*Ding Dong (doorbell)! . … .Yay! My Amazon order’s arrived!….

A Flask/Discrete Water Bottle – You’re going to get thirsty. At night, avoid draining your sweet treat savings by smuggling your own Olympian juice into Doyles (if you’re brave enough to face JACK the Bouncer, that is). Alternatively, Diceys will always accept you provided you finish-the-lyric-to-that-Benson-Boone-Tune. 

A Portable Charger – Scanning all those QR codes to pay that two quid joining fee in exchange for a donut will deplete your battery fast. But if your phone dies, AND your backup charging pack, don’t panic. Remember you’ve got that twine, just give it a tug to retrieve your friend. 

And, if all else fails, Mindset is key. YOU GOT THIS. No matter how much you prepare, it’s natural to still feel a bit lost and overwhelmed. We have ALL been there. Try not to take anything too seriously and just remember to have fun; if you’re having fun, the rest will follow. Life is short (very short…according to some). Don’t be too hard on yourself (is your inner voice the same you would use to reassure a friend?). Listen to what YOU want. Take a risk, talk to a stranger. What’s the worst that could happen? Remember, it won’t be the end of the world. *

*This author wants to trademark the super catchy acronym: tnttitsajrthfiyhftrwf (Try to not to take anything too seriously and just remember to have fun, if you’re having fun, the rest will follow). 

*This author has checked and wants to confirm that Trinity does have an archery club and it is doing very well.

*This author wishes to inform you that TCDSU/AMCLT stands for Trinity College Dublin Student Union/Aontas na Mac Léinn Choláiste na Tríonóide (the Irish version). 

*This author wants to make it KNOWN that she has no problem with the SMF, it was just a JOKE. Please accept her LinkedIn request. 

*Linda Doyle is the Provost of Trinity. (this author does not know what a provost is or does). 

*And Olympian juice is a reference to Pav lager.